…the elixir that makes me look at least 30 days younger.

I demo and use what Amazon, TikTok, and Yahoo—my top beauty advisors—tell me is good for my beauty regimen. One exception would be recommendations from women’s magazines, but I’ll get to that shortly.

In this capacity I consider myself an unofficial “you’re getting older, let’s see if you can get better” product tester.

I rather enjoy—and am open to—trying out new offerings. This hobby facilitates the location of interesting finds like the highly recommended face cream I recently acquired made from moose antler, an orchid that blooms once every thousand years, and eye of newt.

As it turned out, this quality stuff eventually soaked in as swiftly as did the realization I’d just paid as much for this liquid fountain of youth serum as I had for my kid’s first semester of college tuition.

Overall, the results were pretty “meh” for how pricey the tincture was.

Because of my belief that other countries have better skincare cred than we do, I’m more likely to demo a product concocted in another country.

This is what led me to procure the French moisturizer that seemed to work brilliantly at first and was probably about as French as the spring water that spells “naïve” backwards.

It’s likely the product I convinced myself was “the one” can be traced to a storage unit just outside Fresno, California, where it’s distilled in a claw foot bathtub.

This dalliance was followed up by my exploration of Korean skincare products. You’ve heard of K-pop? (If not, it’s short for Korean pop music.)

Now there’s something called K-Beauty, an overarching term that refers to skincare products made in South Korea.

They manufacture snail mucin serum, which is all the rage. (I’m not making this up, once again, proving real life is often so much funnier than anything I can come up with.)

I was intrigued, but I couldn’t shake the visual of snail trails, those yucky, pooey, goopy rivers of slime with the viscosity of snot. How would I feel applying that to my face?

Yeah, so I bought it.

I mean, why not? Have you ever seen a snail you thought looked dehydrated, old, or in need of a good anti-aging treatment?

I’m guessing your answer is “no.” You have not.

In fact, I began to realize this mollusk is the epitome of a youthful-looking creature.

Before you begin fundraising for the “Save the Snails” campaign I want you to know I did my due diligence. I learned snail safety is of the utmost concern when extracting snail mucin.

We’re assured snail mucin is easy and safe to collect.

(I’m guessing this is according to the snail mucin collectors and not the freaked-out snails that excrete more mucin when they’re stressed. All they can rely on is madly waggling their antennae to telegraph their extreme discontent.)

This resultant emollient—I use the term loosely—possesses a texture you might expect. It was gloopy.

Ironically enough, the snail mucin results are fast—you know, because snails aren’t—but minimal.

I used it. It was weird and sticky. I moved on.

I had just about given up hope I would ever find my skin saver and savior when it appeared to me in a vision.

That vision consisted of me googling “inexpensive skin products manufactured in other countries and good for older skin,” and then watching the results populate my computer screen.

My newly discovered magical preparation has the exact right consistency of axle grease, which is necessary for rubbing out lines while also cementing in my newly ironed out wrinkles for a good 8-hour hold.

And no snails were corralled for collection nor stressed out for production.

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Old-Timey Expressions From Days of Yore

[Created by Diane Dean-Epps using ChatGPT + Canva]

My elders would yodel out just about any exclamation to avoid using profanity. My grandmother had several folksy non-expletives, one of my favorites being, “Well, wouldn’t that just frost you?!”

It was all about tone.

Since the Crusades we purposely minced words in an effort NOT to take the Big Guy’s name in vain, resulting in the accumulation of a veritable treasure trove of idioms that are not so much logical, as they are plentiful. Interestingly, these terms are called minced oaths.

Oh, what a difference about 60 years, a more relaxed society, and the influence of mass media has made. Now, as a culture, we just bellow out curse words whenever—and wherever—we feel like it.

This got me thinking about the oodles of archaic expressions that have gone out of vogue and are now resting in a language landfill somewhere, nestled in a non-popular cloud. There are a multitude of expressions that used to mean something—or nothing—dependent upon your viewpoint.

This type of contemplation is my “inquiring mind” sweet spot, frequently sending me into the research wilds where I seek answers to questions no one else is asking. Well, at least, not many are asking, and most of those people are on Reddit and possess verrry specific interests.

I quickly learned there are more retired expressions than retired sports figures, and that’s really saying something in terms of sheer numbers.

I’m going to share a truncated offering in the form of a trio of minced oaths. As an added bonus, I’ll tell you when each one was last spoken, what I thought it meant, and then the real story behind its provenance. Sort of.

OH, FIDDLESTICKS!

When it was last spoken. Last uttered by the last Confederate widow when she learned upon her husband’s death that his pension was issued in Confederate currency. This information was big news to her because theirs was a marriage of not so much convenience as gratitude. You see, instead of writing a quick thank you note for helping him around the house with basic chores, her 93-year-old Union soldier groom married our Confederate widow—in secret—when she was a mere lass of 17, so she would be eligible to receive his pension upon his death.

What I thought it meant. Fiddles were once played with sticks.

How I fared on the meaning. I was almost right, but there appears to be a wee bit of controversy here. Some folks are like-minded with yours truly, asserting that fiddles were, in fact, played with sticks. Other non-fiddle-lovers say fiddling itself is nonsense; therefore, the saying is synonymous with “that’s nonsense.” Of course, the Fiddle Players for Change in the World through String Instruments are all up in arms, if not sticks.

HEAVENS TO BETSY!

When it was last spoken. Last uttered by the last World War I veteran (who died in 2011 at the age of 110), when he was told at his 90^th birthday party he’d been collecting his pension for longer than all of America’s combined years at war.

What I thought it meant. I was pulling for a Betsy Ross connection.

How I fared on the meaning. I could be right, or I could not be right. There are countless derivatives for this one, including Heavens to Murgatroyd, my heavens, for heaven’s sake, and heaven help me, but the provenance of the phrase has baffled linguists and bored laypeople for a couple of centuries. Two consistent explanations offered up are that it’s a reference to the rifle “Old Betsy,” which has offended every young Betsy who ever lived, and the infamous Betty Ross flag lore supported by her relatives, rather than historical accuracy.

JIMINY CRICKET!

When it was last spoken. Last uttered by Academy Award record holder, Walt Disney, when he realized he’d given Mickey Mouse a significant other, neglecting to do the same for Jiminy Cricket.

What I thought it meant. I thought this was just an extremely specific yelling out of our favorite cricket’s name whenever we were treated to his animated antics.

How I fared on the meaning. I only get partial credit on this one. The expression is less about excitement and more about what you’re not saying. I was spot on knowing from whence cricket this interjection came; however, I had zero idea Jiminy has been around since 1883, having been created by an Italian author by the name of Carlo Collodi. Also, I’d never made the association with Jiminy Cricket’s initials of J.C., and why he would then be an apt substitution for a colorful, though potentially sacrilegious interjection with the same letters. (Rhymes with “Thesis Heist.”)

Fun Fact. Jiminy was created specifically for his appearance in the children’s book Pinocchio, but then he got a makeover by one of Disney’s “Nine Old Men” animators for his future starring role in Disney films. (Walt Disney used the “Nine Old Men” term to describe his “go to” group of animators as a joke that goes to President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s summation of the U.S Supreme Court Justices at the time who he felt were behind the times.)

No doubt, many of these outmoded expressions now reside in the Smithsonian Museum of Cultural Expressions Encompassing Idioms, Colloquialisms, Jargon, and Slang, preserved for future generations. Pardon me? There’s no such museum, you say.

Gadzooks! Why not?!

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