All Is Not Lost

I’m a garden-variety northern California baby boomer, teacher, writer, Mimi and Mama-to-the-second power who is sitting at my computer on Sunday afternoon, fingers pounding out a staccato song of outrage. Words are my most powerful weapon in what is, clearly, a fight to preserve our freedom.

As I learn more details about Saturday’s killing by Border Patrol agents of 37-year-old Minneapolis resident and intensive-care nurse, Alex Pretti, my heart is racing as though I’ve just run a seven-minute mile because, along with being horrified, I’m scared.  I can’t help but draw parallels to another totalitarian government.

So many aspects of the Trump administration are hauntingly reminiscent of my father’s stories about the Nazi government’s rise to power. I always hoped I’d never experience anything remotely like what he experienced.

But here we are.

You might say the first red flag I saw were flags being used as a propaganda tool rather than a symbol of national pride. That’s something my dad talked about as a warning sign.

His education about nefarious governments began when he flew missions during World War II as a member of the Eighth Air Force, 95th Bomb Group, 335th Bomb Squadron out of Horham Airfield in Britain. He was a waist gunner on the Fritz Blitz when he was shot down on October 10, 1943, and that’s how he came to be a Nazi Germany prisoner of war in the infamous Stalag 17-B. He would be incarcerated for two-and-a-half years, only gaining his freedom when the Allied forces liberated dozens of concentration camps at the end of the war.

My father made it his priority to educate me on how important it is to fight—and keep fighting—in the face of threats—and even danger—at the hands of dictators. He told me it was imperative never to give up, even when it seems as though all is lost. All is not lost, but who could blame any one of us who may feel a loss of hope in view of recent events.  

As an English teacher, I taught Arthur Miller’s The Crucible, feeling it was crucial that students be educated about McCarthyism and the term “witch hunt.” The most powerful lesson they learned was how simply repeating a lie enough times can alchemize it into a truth, especially when it is allowed to exist unchallenged.

Pointing at innocent people, so they’ll be found guilty while screaming, “Witch! Witch! Witch!” is happening right now, but a different term has been substituted in after the fact.

In our current state of occupation, our citizens are being called “domestic terrorists” to justify their execution. While this term has been used throughout history, it wouldn’t be until the USA Patriot Act of 2001 was passed that it was formally defined as a law; a law that can be used against its citizens by damaging their reputations to justify violence by the government.

According to http://www.Congress.gov, the federal government doesn’t have a pathway to formally charge an individual with this crime. What they do have is the ability to effectively utilize their vast governmental communications turned-up-to-11-amplification network: Mass media.

At first, I actually believed this would all get better before it got so much worse. Call it being overly optimistic, or call it being in denial. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that our states are being occupied by hostile forces.

I’ve never been so afraid to ask, “Where will this all end?” And that’s actually NOT the question I’ll ask now.

HOW can we end this?

I believe it’s at the intersection of brave citizens speaking out every day—in any way they can—and our absolute unwavering commitment to fight against the current state of affairs in our country. We can’t give up. We won’t give up.

Minneapolis we’re with you.

ALL states. ALL citizens. Let me hear your voice. Let me read your words. Let me feel your hope.

📜Old-Timey Language from Days of Yore

My elders would yodel out just about any exclamation to avoid using profanity. My grandmother had several folksy non-expletives, one of my favorites being, “Well, wouldn’t that just frost you?!”

It was all about tone.

Since the Crusades we purposely minced words in an effort NOT to take the Big Guy’s name in vain, resulting in the accumulation of a veritable treasure trove of idioms that are not so much logical, as they are plentiful. Interestingly, these terms are called minced oaths.

Oh, what a difference about 60 years, a more relaxed society, and the influence of mass media has made. Now, as a culture, we just bellow out curse words whenever—and wherever—we feel like it.

This got me thinking about the oodles of archaic expressions that have gone out of vogue and are now resting in a language landfill somewhere, nestled in a non-popular cloud. There are a multitude of expressions that used to mean something—or nothing—dependent upon your viewpoint.

This type of contemplation is my “inquiring mind” sweet spot, frequently sending me into the research wilds where I seek answers to questions no one else is asking. Well, at least, not many are asking, and most of those people are on Reddit and possess verrry specific interests.

I quickly learned there are more retired expressions than retired sports figures, and that’s really saying something in terms of sheer numbers.

I’m going to share a truncated offering in the form of a trio of minced oaths. As an added bonus, I’ll tell you when each one was last spoken, what I thought it meant, and then the real story behind its provenance. Sort of.

OH, FIDDLESTICKS!

When it was last spoken. Last uttered by the last Confederate widow when she learned upon her husband’s death that his pension was issued in Confederate currency. This information was big news to her because theirs was a marriage of not so much convenience as gratitude. You see, instead of writing a quick thank you note for helping him around the house with basic chores, her 93-year-old Union soldier groom married our Confederate widow—in secret—when she was a mere lass of 17, so she would be eligible to receive his pension upon his death.

What I thought it meant. Fiddles were once played with sticks.

How I fared on the meaning. I was almost right, but there appears to be a wee bit of controversy here. Some folks are like-minded with yours truly, asserting that fiddles were, in fact, played with sticks. Other non-fiddle-lovers say fiddling itself is nonsense; therefore, the saying is synonymous with “that’s nonsense.” Of course, the Fiddle Players for Change in the World through String Instruments are all up in arms, if not sticks.

HEAVENS TO BETSY!

When it was last spoken. Last uttered by the last World War I veteran (who died in 2011 at the age of 110), when he was told at his 90th birthday party he’d been collecting his pension for longer than all of America’s combined years at war.

What I thought it meant. I was pulling for a Betsy Ross connection.

How I fared on the meaning. I could be right, or I could not be right. There are countless derivatives for this one, including Heavens to Murgatroyd, my heavens, for heaven’s sake, and heaven help me, but the provenance of the phrase has baffled linguists and bored laypeople for a couple of centuries. Two consistent explanations offered up are that it’s a reference to the rifle “Old Betsy,” which has offended every young Betsy who ever lived, and the infamous Betty Ross flag lore supported by her relatives, rather than historical accuracy.

JIMINY CRICKET!

When it was last spoken. Last uttered by Academy Award record holder, Walt Disney, when he realized he’d given Mickey Mouse a significant other, neglecting to do the same for Jiminy Cricket.

What I thought it meant. I thought this was just an extremely specific yelling out of our favorite cricket’s name whenever we were treated to his animated antics.

How I fared on the meaning. I only get partial credit on this one. The expression is less about excitement and more about what you’re not saying. I was spot on knowing from whence cricket this interjection came; however, I had zero idea Jiminy has been around since 1883, having been created by an Italian author by the name of Carlo Collodi. Also, I’d never made the association with Jiminy Cricket’s initials of J.C., and why he would then be an apt substitution for a colorful, though potentially sacrilegious interjection with the same letters. (Rhymes with “Thesis Heist.”)

Fun Fact. Jiminy was created specifically for his appearance in the children’s book Pinocchio, but then he got a makeover by one of Disney’s “Nine Old Men” animators for his future starring role in Disney films. (Walt Disney used the “Nine Old Men” term to describe his “go to” group of animators as a joke that goes to President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s summation of the U.S Supreme Court Justices at the time who he felt were behind the times.)

No doubt, many of these outmoded expressions now reside in the Smithsonian Museum of Cultural Expressions Encompassing Idioms, Colloquialisms, Jargon, and Slang, preserved for future generations. Pardon me? There’s no such museum, you say.

Gadzooks! Why not?!

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🐶And They Call It Puppy Love💓

❓Let me first answer the question you will ask shortly, which is: Are you nuts?

🐾 Answer: Clearly. I believe this is well-established.

You see, my husband and I decided in the wake of the passing of our beloved dog son, Gordy, we’d adopt a puppy.

At Christmastime. 🎄

When it’s very cold, rainy, and muddy outside. ⛈️

And we’re hosting two Christmas celebrations featuring two toddlers. 👶 🧒

❓At this juncture you’re likely to ask a second question, which is: How did this happen?

🐶Answer: I read a local story about abandoned puppies, visited the aforementioned puppies, and bonded immediately to one adorable pup-pup in particular.

The thing of it is, the legacy of our cherished pound puppies and kitties we’ve adopted over the decades is our capacity to love—and adopt—more of them when there’s room at the Dean-Epps Inn.

And we’ve always had room.

🏡We’ve opened our hearts and home time and again, even in the face of losing precious, furry family members like the multiple-times-returned-to-the-pound reigning champion Crissy, 11-year-old zero hearing ability Moe, Maggie who barked at anything that moved or didn’t move, and Tibby the Cocker Spaniel whose ears I cleaned out more than my own. 🐕

So off we went to pick up our new canine kid, Teddy, a 3-month-old ball of energy representing at least 6 breeds.

Here’s the short list of all we took on, knowingly, lovingly, though some may not think wisely.

🔷Sleeping when the puppy sleeps, tag teaming for short naps on the in between.

🔷Cleaning up poop and pee as far as our near-sighted eyes can see.

🔷Stopping raucous chasing of the other furry children in the household.

🔷Preventing the destruction of clothes, furniture, plants, and everything else.

🔷Attending to puncture and bite marks that happen so fast, I’m unwrapping bandages as fast as puppy pads.

Oh, but what we’ve gained that makes our tails wag.

❤️ The joy that is caring for a dispenser of unconditional love like no other.

❤️ The heart-swelling feeling that is falling in love with our fur baby.

❤️ The feeling of completeness welcoming our little guy into his new loving and fun home.

❤️ The added bonding my husband and I experience when we care for our cute pooch.

❤️ The fun, warm, and fuzzy feelings that go with playing and snuggling with a silky-eared, soft-pawed, wiggling-with-joy puppy.

🫶Time and time again we’ve connected with our adopted critters at the sweet spot that is their unconditional love and our capacity to love.

As our holiday-and-beyond gift, our already-adored Teddy has delivered on his end of the bargain big-time. 🎁

Not counting my grandtwinkies, it’s been many years since I whispered to my husband in my new mom, baby-besotted voice, “I think the baby is asleep.”

🥧Gratitude is baked into any holiday season—pun intended—but this year we’re finding our home is full, our hearts are full, and our trash can is over full…just like we like it.

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🎄Oh, Christmas Tree of Controversy

Trees.

Oh, converter of carbon dioxide, emitter of oxygen; rife with all manner of positive symbolism such as growth, life, and knowledge. They’re genuinely nature’s good guy.

Until Christmastime, that is, when regular ole evergreens transform into seasonal symbols eliciting spirited debates. That’s when the Douglas fir really starts to fly, and away we go in a manger.

Like so many insidious instruments of divisiveness it goes by many ambiguous names; however, no matter which way you cut it down—whether you call it a Yule tree, a Christmas tree, or a Holiday tree—it is, most assuredly, a Tree of Controversy.

When I was growing up a Christmas tree was just a Christmas tree. The majority of the people I knew who celebrated Christmas had a pine of some sort that was a version of our own slightly spindly, tinsel-enhanced tree. (The rich folks had flocked trees, the 70’s debuting the daring pink-flocked conifer.)

Absent a tree, there might have been a menorah or some other cultural talisman for the season, and there wasn’t much ado being made about the “having”  or the “not having” of a Christmas tree.

Nevertheless, to quote that iconic song by The Byrds, “The Times They Are A-Changin”—fast and furious, may I add—to the point that it now seems like there is NO cultural practice in possession of immunity in terms of public commentary.

To summarize the political hullabaloo that rages on each year: It seems several people have had their mellow harshed when other citizens “force” them to gaze upon a Christmas tree when it’s so not their thing.

Therefore, the Christmas tree has become a non-deciduous symbol of incitement. We have a version of this in our family, but it’s not so much about having a tree as it is about what type of tree we’ll display.

To summarize the domestic hullabaloo: It seems several family members have had their mellow harshed when other family members “force” them to gaze upon a type of Christmas tree that is so not their thing. (Think the Douglas/Fraser/Balsam fir versus the Blue/Norway/White spruce versus the Scotch/White/Virginia pine.)

When we do finally settle on the appropriate type of tree, we encounter the next lightning rod of controversy centering around choosing the perfect specimen. During this process, our family uses technical terms like “bushy” and “branchy” when communicating our desires and expectations, which apply to our prospective tree.

Whether we adopt the aforementioned bushy or branchy oxygen-producer is dependent upon who won the rock-paper-scissors contest for that year. In any case one thing is for certain. No matter what, we will acquire a tree that is much too tall and way too wide for our domicile.

This means my husband needs to prune the tree before it can assume the vertical position in our living room. Thus, he steps into his annual non-Nativity-related holiday role of Edward Scissorhands, slicing away until there’s more tree on the floor than will find its way into the stand.

No matter, the end result is the evergreen is now lofty, poised, and looks as though it was meant for its special corner.

This whole photosynthesizing symbol of joy and unity that is the Christmas tree as part of our holiday tradition is a lot like childbirth.

I seem to remember only the joy of the result, not the pain… until the next time.


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If It Please The Court…

Jury Duty.

Do those two words make you as nervous as they do me, along with other sweat-inducing paired words like tax audit, root canal, and test results?

Whenever I receive a jury duty notice my reaction is more “accused felon fixing to be arrested,” than prospective juror being asked to fulfill her civic duty. Reading any document with the word “summons” in it will do that to you, I guess.

Fortunately, my initial nervousness turned into a solid commitment to participate in the judicial process for one very important reason.

Because I had to.  

In my county, jury duty kicks off with a phone call the night before. After 5:00 p.m. other citizens like me madly dial into the number we’ve been given to confirm we need to show up the next day. The line was busy when I called in, so I just kept redialing as though I was trying to win concert tickets to a sold-out Dua Lipa show. (Points for pop culture relevance?)   

When I finally got through, instead of coveted tickets my prize was confirmation I was needed to show up the next morning at 8:00 a.m. sharp. The jury trial was on. That meant I needed to put together a sharp outfit that looked like I was headed to work, and not a work-out, the latter being my go-to attire. Off I went to access my closet’s smart casual wardrobe offerings. It took seconds to make my selection from my current stock.   

The next morning I left with plenty of time to spare. Good thing because getting into the courthouse proved a bit trickier than I had anticipated. My immediate goal became finding and securing a parking space that wasn’t labeled, “County Employee Only,” “No Parking Between the Hours of 6:00 a.m. and midnight,” or “Not For You.”

At one point I procured what I thought was an extraordinary parking space. It was under a tree with lots of room on either side, and walking distance to the courthouse, “thought” being the operative word.

It was only when I activated my door lock, hearing the satisfying, “Beep! Beep” that I happened to glance over and notice some writing on the cement block to which I had nicely lined up my front bumper. As I sashayed on over to take a closer look I noticed “Jury Commissioner” emblazoned on the marker. Uh-oh. I’d have to give myself quite a promotion to make that work, so I moved my car. Immediately. 

Because I had to.

As I approached the courthouse I was faced with a dishearteningly long line, heralding the vigorous use of a metal detector, x-ray machine, and a manual search of all bags. Usually, I don’t even wait in line for things I want, let alone jury duty, but I waited.

Because I had to. 

As the earth spun on its axis one more entire revolution I stood there. As luck would have it, I was sandwiched between a woman who had stopped by just to let everyone know she wasn’t able to perform her civic duty because she was sick with an extremely contagious case of something-or-other and a gentleman who was just darned excited to be there, even though his digestive problems usually kept him from such outings. This provided me with other things to think about than long lines.

While the length of my wait created reasonable doubt I would ever cross the courthouse threshold, eventually I did. The woman who checked me in even pronounced my name correctly, so things were looking up.

As I settled in for the wait with my new book I’d purchased just for this occasion, my contentment was short-lived. This is because I found myself re-reading multiple pages due to the clerk calling out new potential juror names at regular intervals.

(That’s when I realized this situation was just begging to be turned into a humor column, so I grabbed my handy-dandy purse notebook and got busy.)

In no time at all—about two hours if you enjoy specifics—we were released for a twenty-minute break. That’s when I scored a rich, frothy latté, the only problem being it took me nineteen minutes to get it. When I skidded into the courtroom the bailiff took one look at my cup of joe, shook his head “no,” and that’s when I gulped down the lava-like liquid in seconds, destroying numerous tastebuds in the process.

Because I had to. 

It was the afternoon, and we were now fully in the throes of jury selection. The mostly washed masses sat attentively as the judge attempted to determine who was best suited for the juror job. This commenced with what would turn out to be the most painful question and answer sequence I had ever witnessed since my father quizzed my first date about his intentions.

This segment might have gone quicker, if not for the judge’s contentious question he asked of a woman who was clearly in possession of a philosophy degree:  “Do you feel you can be a fair and impartial juror?”

Hello, and break out the bedrolls. A seemingly simple query isn’t so simple when broken down and parsed out by a deep thinker with a flair for sentence parsing. This was one complex little ask from her perspective, and I was forced to live that perspective for a good 10 minutes.

Because I had to.

Finally, the judge put all of us out of our misery when he told her it probably would be best if she took a pass on this particular proceeding. When she was dismissed I heard a collective sigh of relief throughout the courtroom as the air began circulating again.

The proceedings proceeded. One juror after another was excused with a few exceptions.

The real estate lady who everybody in town knew and respected was asked to step down—and out—of the jury box. The zealous older man with whom I had shared line time got to stay. The woman who proudly proclaimed her marriage to the sheriff barely got the chance to put her purse down when she was excused. 

As the process dragged on, I began to think 12 jurors really were too many. Couldn’t we be just as efficient with eight?

Finally, the last seat sat vacant. We all sat stock still. Breathing became labored and perhaps even briefly non-existent. One of us would have to fill that seat and it felt as though it was the electric chair, rather than an opportunity for public service.

I heard a name called. Not a female name. So, not me. It was a male name. Or as I like to think of it, it was my new, very favorite name. No one objected to him, the way he dressed, what he had for breakfast, or his career choice.

I stepped out into the sunshine a free woman. Unlike high school basketball, I was happy not to be chosen. As I made my way out of the courtroom, I expressed my exhilaration by doing the touchdown dance in front of the bailiff.

Because I wanted to.

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